1. Mindfully keep the egg a safe distance away from your teeth. It is easier than one might imagine to reflexively close one’s jaws together on the egg and break its shell.

2. Hold the egg between your thumb and forefinger, firmly enough to maintain a secure grip on it, but not tightly enough to break the shell.

3. There’s no shame in hard-boiling the egg before sucking it, making it a “safe egg” (No runny yolk mess if you do break the shell). Even professional egg-suckers use “safe eggs,” acknowledging that nobody is perfect, and even a professional might not be in top form during one particular session, and might end up breaking the shell. HOWEVER: Be sure to WAIT until the egg COOLS after boiling it, to avoid getting a bad burn on your lips or tongue, which are your body’s built-in sucking equipment!

4. Beginners should start with sucking the small end of the egg. When you have mastered the skill enough to hold the egg solely in your lips (“Look ma, no hands” so2speak), ONLY THEN will you have proven yourself worthy to start with the big end of the egg.

5. Know your eggs:

• U.S. Grade AA eggs have whites that are thick and firm; yolks that are high, round, and practically free from defects; and clean, unbroken shells. Grade AA and Grade A eggs are best for frying and poaching where appearance is important.
• U.S. Grade A eggs have characteristics of Grade AA eggs except that the whites are “reasonably” firm. This is the quality most often sold in stores.
• U.S. Grade B eggs have whites that may be thinner and yolks that may be wider and flatter than eggs of higher grades. The shells must be unbroken, but may show slight stains. This quality is seldom found in retail stores because they are usually used to make liquid, frozen, and dried egg products, as well as other egg-containing products (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/ )

As a beginner, you need to master using U.S Grade AA eggs first.

6. If you are eager to begin mastering the “egg and flow” trick (using the strength and dexterity of your lips to slide the egg slightly deeper into your mouth and then back out again, repeatedly), your ambition is commendable. HOWEVER: Start SLOWLY at first, and then GRADUALLY increase your speed. It takes time and patience to master this.

7. Always have numerous quantities of eggs at your disposal (the more the merrier), especially if you are a beginner.

8. Always keep your eggs refrigerated.

9. Have a daily scheduled time to practice your egg-sucking, and stick to it.

10. Have fun

in the epsilon quindrant

my lip, my lace, my meals with Magoo

a maggot in the machine

a swim in the magma with a major muggle

my shape, the shape of a magic demagogue

my mugs, my chin’s shaving cuts

my given gifts, my cow, and my government mocked

my maker, my cane, my call to the world

my cave, my cup of Coca-Cola in my cage

Muffy the Muffled Muffin-Mover is moved by our kiss

he pours ample amounts of maple syrup on the amber bums of Asians

no one has ever mapped your moves

my bare back is yours

take me while I’m dizzy in the darkest mist

missiles and messages pass us by, in the background masked by love

Mother Methane rants, her moods and methods never change

a rider who always takes the same redeeming roads

rename the runner across her Range Ranch

across the Armenian ramp

across the open distances between landmarks and points

reroute power from the deflector shield

in the epsilon quindrant

Trees, you stand strong through the deaths of whole generations of leaves

Trees, you stand strong in summer’s roast and winter’s chill

Trees, you flex buff, macho bark, and stand high and mighty as gods

Trees, you grope stars and clouds, and tower over all

Trees, you love birds; trees, you welcome nests, never charging them rent

Trees, you let squirrels run amok across your bark

You remain calm, cool, serene throughout winter’s wearisome frost

You do not rage against the ice, the cold, the dark

Trees, I long to feel your love and embrace of the universe

Trees, I yearn to share your courage and peace

Through the many trendy zeitgeists and eras of emptiness

Through the deaths of generations of leaves

Talk to your doctor first, before you take the pills we’re trying to sell

Discontinue use if your kidneys twirl or explode

Talk to your doctor first, explore your options, then decide how you feel

Discontinue use if a whirlpool forms in your blood

Discontinue use if your bones begin to dissolve

Discontinue use if your lungs pop

Discontinue use if you find yourself in the grave

Discontinue use if your teeth droop

Talk to your doctor, but we’re hoping that survivors become live, healthy consumers

What if we fail to make this product shine? Its market-value will fall

How do you advertise a product when you legally must list each of its dangers?

Talk to your doctor first, before you take the pills we’re trying to sell

Let the writer quietly ignore the reader

Let the writer’s heart unknowably throb

Let the reader offer to become a savior

Let the writer fail to truly describe

Let the reader say the text is “depressing” and “negative”

Let the reader fail to share the writer’s ache

Let the reader tell the writer to “simply be positive”

Let the reader tell the writer not to speak

Let the reader piss and crap on the writer’s tortured soul

Let the reader fail to follow the writer’s search

Let the reader fail to listen and hear the muse’s call

Let the reader call the writer a bitchy grouch

Let the writer give up on the reader’s bland mind

Let the writer give up on having an impact

Let the writer give up on a dead and cold world

Let the writer live life as small as an insect

Let the two go divided, separate ways

Bound by hectic schedules, and devoid of wonder

Both can live lost within the modern maze

Let the writer quietly ignore the reader

World of dudes and honeys, help yourselves to whatever’s left of me now

Every step is heavy, and every keystroke is fluff

Now, an ache of disillusioned anguish within continues to grow

I believed Authority’s hugs were gentle and safe

World of dudes and honeys, if you only knew your impact on one innocent soul

Go away. Why are you even pretending to read this?

Go enjoy the system in the void; return to places like church, school, and the mall

Go enjoy all the commodities money can purchase

Somewhere, off in some distance verging on the fringe of the wedge’s thin edge

That’s where you’d find me, if you paused and cared long enough to look

Once or twice, a few strangers listen to my silence across a burnt bridge

Nobody notices my gnashed, abused tooth-enamel crack

Go enjoy witnessing the same routines and patterns forever

Go enjoy whatever daily life has become, all that we know

Life is one voluntary-motor-function after another

World of dudes and honeys, help yourselves to whatever’s left of me now

Service Providers are free to take back the services we fail to afford

Service Providers are free to charge the fees that they charge

Shareholders only invest in big, tough conglomerates that profit from greed

Service Providers can keep themselves attractive and large

Leave our apartment as dark and bare as the Paleolithic Era`s caves

Finally, at long last, I no longer care

Cyberspace isn`t a right for poverty-cases; ìt`s not like food or clothes

Privileges are not promised, not always there

This has been waiting to happen so long, I shouldn`t be as dumbly surprised

How we`ve had access at all is quite unlikely and strange

Service Providers are free to take back the services we fail to afford

Service Providers are free to charge the fees that they charge

Inside a public bathroom cubicle, just above the empty toilet-paper-dispenser, the grafitti reads as follows:

“LET’S USE OUR IMAGINASHUMS AND PWETEND THAT THERE IS TOILET PAPER HERE JUST BECUZ PWETEND IS FUN”

The sign floating in the toilet-bowl reads as follows:

“OUT OF ORDER”

The sign half-stuffed into the tampon-disposal-unit reads as follows:

“We at Merco take to heart every aspect of your experience as a valued customer in our store. If you find the maintenance of our public washroom facilities to be anything less than satisfactory, please notify any of our staff immediately. Thank you for shopping at Merco, and have a nice day.”

The sign sticking out of the trash-cylinder reads as follows:

“AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY”

1) Kill and flay the Nemean lion

2) Destroy the Lernaean hydra

3) Capture the Arcadian stag

4) Capture the boar of Erymanthus

5) Clean the stables of King Augeas

6) Kill the carnivorous birds near lake Stymphalis

7) Capture the bull that is ravaging Crete

8.) Capture the man-eating mares of Diomedes of Thrace

9) Steal the girdle of Hippolyte, Queen of the Amazon

10) Capture the carnivorous oxen of Geryon the Three-Bodied Monster

11) Take golden apples from Hesperides’ garden

12) Capture and housebreak Cerberus the Three-Headed Guard-Dog of Hades

Some members of my online-community go to http://tagged.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://newfriends.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://strangefire.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://roadhouserockers.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://360tribe.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://360crowd.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://360pals.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://astridestellasyahoo360friends.ning.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://multiply.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://orkut.com/

Some members of my online-community go to http://bebo.com/

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://tagged.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://newfriends.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://strangefire.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://roadhouserockers.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://360tribe.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://360crowd.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://360pals.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://astridestellasyahoo360friends.ning.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://multiply.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://orkut.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Some members of my online-community look for me on http://bebo.com/ and nowhere else, then ask where in the world I have disappeared to

Yeah, it’s raining today, but y’know, sometimes it does have to rain

Lawns and gardens are thirsty again; so are the crops, corn and grain

Yeah, we need our umbrellas and boots, under a sky gray with clouds

Yeah, it’s chilly and windy, but don’t worry ‘cause this too shall pass

We’ll be wiping sweat off our brows in the sun’s intense heat before you know it

We shall tan again, have our picnics, and ride our bikes, once the rain has ended

May through August are sunny and hot months we enjoy while we can

Yeah, it’s raining today, but y’know, sometimes it does have to rain

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be abducted by aliens. But hey, at least they’ll let you use their phone so you can notify your friends and loved ones on Earth, and they’ll even let you order a pizza. How sweet is that?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have an out-of-body experience. You might wanna stay home today, because it is kinda sorta embarrassing to suddenly drop dead in public.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The spirits of your deceased ancestors will be in touch with you. They demand to know why you never visit their graves anymore. Yeah they ARE kinda sorta pissed off, just so you know.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The limited warrantee on your voodoo doll has probably expired. Now would be a good time to get a new voodoo doll from your local witch-doctor.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There will be a significant change in your psychic aura. PAV-NOS (Psychic Aura Variance – Not Otherwise Specified). Viagra can sometimes help to correct this condition (or at least it’s been clinically proven to have the desired effect on laboratory rats), but you might wanna consult a legitimately qualified physician first, before you go and try anything reckless.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Pay especially close attention to your bowls of alphabet soup during this particular lunar cycle, because they really are trying to tell you something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your guardian angel is gonna call in sick today. Truth is, he just wants the day off so he can chug a few beers with the guys and hang out or whatever. Want me to go kick his ass for ya?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Feed your pet unicorn more pixie dust. That stuff is loaded with energy, very affordable, and it’s not as if it’s fattening, y’know.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Start practicing those shape-shifting abilities again, because they may come in handy during this particular lunar cycle.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Load up on crosses, garlic, and silver bullets. Be on the lookout for vampires.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Do some rain dances during this particular lunar cycle. Your garden will thank you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Y’know, it really couldn’t hurt to try putting some more eye-of-newt and tongue-of-dog in that cauldron of firey demons you’ve got brewing in your basement. Just a thought.

Read the world

Write your life

Be a child

Guard your turf

Be an embodiment of hope

Radiant beacon in the dark

Dreams are the lessons in your sleep

Leaving you inwardly awake

Decades end

Life is brief

Read the world

Write your life

Our apartment is now thoroughly infested with emoticons. Hundreds of emoticons are zooming across our floors, bouncing off the walls, tying shoelaces and USB-cables together in sailor’s knots, playfully tunneling around in the flour and sugar, bungee-jumping off the ceiling-fan with elastic-bands, and generally wreaking havoc, spreading gross germs and bad memes everywhere. An exterminator is on his way here as I type this text.

These emoticons are such devilish little monsters, they’ve even discovered that it’s fun to use our DVDs as their own personal giant Frisbees. Some of the emoticons are even entertaining the others by skillfully juggling our vitamin-supplements.

But that’s not even the worst of it: Emoticons are so resilient that vacuuming them with a vacuum-cleaner has no effect other than giving them an exciting thrill, not unlike an amusement-park ride, and then they all jump out again, scattering dust far and wide.

We did kinda sorta bring this upon ourselves, actually. Not many people know this, but emoticons generally survive by eating the undeleted e-mails that accumulate (if unchecked) in the Spam folders of e-mail accounts. Also, the undeleted applets and javascript-cookies that can accumulate (if unchecked) in the cache of any given web-browser application are very nourishing and revitalizing food for emoticons, really helping them thrive, grow, and breed vast multitudes of offspring. This is why it’s a good idea to periodically clean out all the folders in one’s e-mail account, and frequently cleanse the cache of one’s web-browser.

So a word to the wise: SAVE YOURSELVES ! ! ! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU, because you SO do NOT want a home full of emoticons, trust me.

Some of us experience Feeling X, even if you yourselves do not

Some of us experience Feeling X, even if you cannot relate

Someone paid attention, but no one shared the pain inside

World of dudes and honeys, you make the spirit’s journey hard

Please feel free to stare; it’s only natural to stare

Please don’t panic; I am not an entity to fear

Let me fail to answer your stupid questions in peace

I am not your servant, and you were never my boss

Draw your own conclusions, make your decisions, and keep your distance

No one’s gonna stop you; no one approves or condemns your choices

Certainly not the bites of food I chew and swallow, or the breaths of air I take

Whether or not I co-exist is immaterial, or so I’d like to think

Whether you’re having a good or bad day, I hardly give a shxt

Some of us experience Feeling X, even if you yourselves do not

I am the fingers that love your muscles

I am the palms that adore your skin

I am the hands that bestow caresses

I am your arms when your strength is gone

You are my comfort and joy in struggle

Healing and warmth when the world is cruel

We are renewed when we hug and snuggle

We are the halves of a perfect whole

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

After years of blame and pressure

After years of self-denial

Anger cracks my tooth-enamel

Call this posted text “depressing”

Why the fxxk are YOU complaining?

Every day, the world is colder

Every person’s just a soldier

Now, I fear I can’t recover

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Suddenly, I felt this strong craving for fruit

Suddenly, I felt this dry ache in my throat

Suddenly, I felt that Kraft Dinner is gross

Suddenly, I needed sweet, natural juice

Suddenly, I needed and grabbed that can of pineapple-slices

Suddenly, I felt the relief of making sensible choices

Suddenly, I knew my whole diet is shxt

Suddenly, I felt this strong craving for fruit

Walking from Marion Street to the Millennium Library and back

Daily routine of returning to the shelves and discovering a book

Living without the experiences others can recognize and share

Learning that nobody reads about the cares and concerns of the bizarre

Yeah, I’m still okay, for those of you who wonder how I am

Hard to entertain a readership addicted to the norm

Each day is a search for ways to entertain the easily-bored

Warm fuzzies are all that people want; whatever else is ignored

Leave me to live at a distance as remote and convenient as you like

Walking from Marion Street to the Millennium Library and back