Originally posted on my blog but wanted to share here, as well….
I fear a great many things. I fear that I have moved too fast. I fear that I have not moved enough. I fear that I have left myself open for hurt again. I fear that I will never find happiness. I fear that I am chasing nothing more than a far away dream that never really existed and never can exist for I am asking too much. I fear that the way I have lived, has left me so that I must live alone. I fear that the person that I am will never be enough for anyone and the lies that I thought dishonest were actually the truth. I fear that the teaching of me to be confident, to be sure, is all for naught as the reality of the situation always comes to light and I am left with nothing but fear.
I fear each time I reach out my hand and feel it knocked away. I fear that the love I feel inside will never come out as the only way for me to express it is through channels that others have taught me and I have learned to resent. I fear that I can never be satisfied or convinced that the life I have lived was not the true way and that another way does exist. I fear that I will never feel worthy of living this other life that I crave so much. I fear that I will constantly push away the one thing that I need oh so much because it is not done the way I want it to be done. I fear that the one person I need so much will be lost to me because HE cannot understand me. I fear that I will never be able to express all that is inside of me: the fears. I fear that they will never come out and be ridden of them for whenever I try, things go awry.
I fear that the one thing I long for will never be mine. I fear that I am not worthy of such care and love. I fear each time that I speak out and speak up and demand things that I need… I fear that it will go unheard or unheeded as I am not allowed to do such things. I fear a great many things. I fear the telling of my life to others for how can they possibly comprehend the damage and the mayhem that it has caused? I fear the telling for others have laughed, scoffed or just plain disbelieved. I fear that again my inner most secrets upon being shared with one will then be shared again and again with others not of my choosing and all who hear it will laugh as has once happened before. I fear that the truth is that I am less than any human being. I fear that I am forever slave. I fear that I am forever slave to my fears. I fear that now the binds and chains have been lifted off of me; the controls are no longer in place. I fear that when I attempt to spread those angel wings and fly that I will find I have none or that they are as broken as my spirit is inside. I fear that I will never find one who truly understands and can help me out of this misery that is me. I fear that I have found Him. I fear to let Him inside and to see the me that is there left after 30 years of confinement. I fear that He will see what is there and will discard it as so much garbage. I fear that He will see what others saw and disregard me. I fear now that no one is in control but me that I will not know how to live. I fear that I will not know how to achieve the things I need and to express them so that they are met. I fear that if I attempt to grab and reach for what I want… I will be beaten back down again and reminded of my true place. I fear that now this dream of mine may be within reach that it is only a mirage. I fear that I am asking for too much. I fear that He will hear my fears and find them silly. I fear the laughter come from him once I have exposed myself. I fear that once He hears my needs that he will dismiss them for who is I to stand up and try to be counted? I fear that He will only see what He thinks he sees and not what is there.
I fear that He will not be Himself and let me rejoice in learning Him. I fear that He will handle me so delicately that I can never learn how to handle myself. I fear that He will try and brush away the concerns I have. I fear that He will temper what He wants to say or attempt to not be Himself for fear of me. I fear that He will leave in the end because no one is happy not being themselves. I fear that he will leave because He cannot say the truth. I fear that knowing the truth is ugly; the lie is often uglier. I fear learning that lesson again. I fear a great many things. I fear so much that I fear the fear itself. I fear that this fear, that these fears, will never go away. I fear that I will be forever trapped inside this ball of pain and fear and trapped still. I fear the letting go of the only thing I have ever known: pain. I fear the letting go of the only emotion that feels like home: fear. I fear that I am forever slave to this life. I fear that I am forever slave…