Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)

Posts Tagged ‘being a goof’

a really stupid poem

In sigma on July 6, 2010 at 10:07 pm

The palm of my hand has been finged by one of my fingers

Which finger finged has yet to be determined

Reliable sources report the finger was ruthless

Some sources claim a spider was spided

One reporter tried to interview an answer

The answer was busy answing at the time

Experts claim the news is sugar for the reader

The public is not insulted by the claim

This event has warranted exclusive, live, active coverage

For all of the parties concerned who bothered to notice

I am unavailable for comment; please leave a message

The palm of my hand has been finged by one of my fingers

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10 Things I wish were true about me (Heather)

In sigma on April 21, 2010 at 10:27 pm

1. I saved a life.

2. I was unselfish 100% of the time.

3. I was skinnier.

4. I was healthier.

5. I was a billionaire.

6. I had the cure… for anything.

7. I had all the answers to all the questions.

8. I could fly just by flapping my arms.

9. I wasn’t honest all the time.

10. I changed the world just by being born.

Egg-sucking 101 for Dummies

In Uncategorized on November 24, 2009 at 9:53 pm

1. Mindfully keep the egg a safe distance away from your teeth. It is easier than one might imagine to reflexively close one’s jaws together on the egg and break its shell.

2. Hold the egg between your thumb and forefinger, firmly enough to maintain a secure grip on it, but not tightly enough to break the shell.

3. There’s no shame in hard-boiling the egg before sucking it, making it a “safe egg” (No runny yolk mess if you do break the shell). Even professional egg-suckers use “safe eggs,” acknowledging that nobody is perfect, and even a professional might not be in top form during one particular session, and might end up breaking the shell. HOWEVER: Be sure to WAIT until the egg COOLS after boiling it, to avoid getting a bad burn on your lips or tongue, which are your body’s built-in sucking equipment!

4. Beginners should start with sucking the small end of the egg. When you have mastered the skill enough to hold the egg solely in your lips (“Look ma, no hands” so2speak), ONLY THEN will you have proven yourself worthy to start with the big end of the egg.

5. Know your eggs:

  • U.S. Grade AA eggs have whites that are thick and firm; yolks that are high, round, and practically free from defects; and clean, unbroken shells. Grade AA and Grade A eggs are best for frying and poaching where appearance is important.
  • U.S. Grade A eggs have characteristics of Grade AA eggs except that the whites are “reasonably” firm. This is the quality most often sold in stores.
  • U.S. Grade B eggs have whites that may be thinner and yolks that may be wider and flatter than eggs of higher grades. The shells must be unbroken, but may show slight stains. This quality is seldom found in retail stores because they are usually used to make liquid, frozen, and dried egg products, as well as other egg-containing products (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/ )

As a beginner, you need to master using U.S Grade AA eggs first.

6. If you are eager to begin mastering the “egg and flow” trick (using the strength and dexterity of your lips to slide the egg slightly deeper into your mouth and then back out again, repeatedly), your ambition is commendable. HOWEVER: Start SLOWLY at first, and then GRADUALLY increase your speed. It takes time and patience to master this.

7. Always have numerous quantities of eggs at your disposal (the more the merrier), especially if you are a beginner.

8. Always keep your eggs refrigerated.

9. Have a daily scheduled time to practice your egg-sucking, and stick to it.

10. Have fun 🙂

RULES FOR BEING AN IGNORAMUS

In alpha on October 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm

1. Nothing exists unless you’ve heard of it before from family/friends/teachers/place-of-worship during your pre-adult life.

2. Interrupt any spoken sentence longer than six or seven syllables.

3. Any statement that seems confusing at first must have been made by some individual who happens to be a weirdo/nutcase.

4. Any problem/difficulty that you yourself have never encountered before is an excuse/fairy-tale made up by a slacker/stubborn-crybaby/pathological-liar.

5. Anything that fails to entertain you after a long day is one-hundred-percent pure excrement that contains absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever.

6. Anyone who disagrees with your political views has cotton-candy for brains.

7. Anyone who disagrees with your religious/secular views is sick/evil.

8. Anyone who loves doing a job that pays less than yours is a laughable dorkwad.

9. Anyone who is overwhelmed by the stress of a job that pays more than yours is an enviable ingrate.

10. Anyone who has never heard of your favorite movie/book/food is a hermit/Martian.

11. Anyone who is ever in your way for even a nanosecond has never watched where he/she is going once in his/her life.

12. There are two kinds of people:

(a) human-garbage

(b) people to whom you yourself owe at least one favor

The Top 10 Things That Happened Today

In Uncategorized on September 4, 2008 at 5:21 pm

10. Electrons revolved around the nuclei of atoms.

 

9. Cells divided.

 

8. Palms and fingers turned steering wheels.

 

7. Leaves and raindrops fell.

 

6. The landlord got his money.

 

5. Legs and feet danced.

 

4. Mouths chewed and swallowed food.

 

3. Sound waves crossed distances over time.

 

2. Fish swam.

 

AND THE #1 THING THAT HAPPENED TODAY . . .

 

*

 

. . .

 

(drumroll)

 

. . .

 

*

 

1. I farted.

DID YOU KNOW?:

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Reverend Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have recently created http://www.godhatesneuroaster.wbc/

Ever feel walked on?

In Uncategorized on November 8, 2007 at 3:46 am

… I WAS ………….
………. HERE ……
..Leaving my …….
Footprints on your
…………..PAGE….
….oooO……………
…..(….)…………….
……)../…..Oooo….
…..(_/…..(….)…….
……………)../……..
……………(_/……..
………………………
….oooO……………
…..(….)…………….
……)../…..Oooo….
…..(_/…..(….)…….
……………)../……..
……………(_/……..
………………………
….oooO……………
…..(….)…………….
……)../…..Oooo….
…..(_/…..(….)…….
……………)../……..
……………(_/……..
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