Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

no shame

In sigma on March 2, 2010 at 8:55 am

I would just like to say that it is perfectly healthy and natural for a guy to play with his own nipples, and that it’s a beautiful thing. In fact, I feel sorry for any guy who is macho enough to keep his fingertips off his nipples for a full 72 consecutive hours, or even a full 24 consecutive hours. Because that’s just sad. Talk about missing out. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that any guy who is that macho must have some serious issues. I mean c’mon, sheesh already. We’re only alive on this Earth for so long, so make the most of it, explore and enjoy that wonderful nipple-sensitivity in life while there’s still time. I am not ashamed to tell you that I am a man and I finger my nipples daily and, in fact, I am proud of my healthy attitude about it. In fact, I highly recommend fingering one’s nipples in the shower; the soap and water combine to form an absolutely perfect lubricant. There, I said it, and I’m confident that at lest a few guys out there are gonna read this and feel relieved to know that they are not alone. Where do we get the idea that a guy is a sissy and a wuss if he nipples himself anyhow? It’s bullshxt! And besides, studies show that nippling oneself can boost nipple-size and even make more chest-hairs grow. It’s a fact. Science proves it. All the more reason why we, as guys, should be less uptight about this sort of thing. Incidentally, did I mention that I also jack-off a lot?

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The ten awesomest phallic symbols of all time

In sigma on February 2, 2010 at 4:01 pm

1. drinking-straw

2. flashlight

3. rolled-up newspaper

4. toothbrush

5. light saber

6. totem pole

7. golf club

8. chop stick

9. nuclear missile

10. calligraphy pen

My to-do list for2day:

In schmategory on July 23, 2009 at 9:21 pm

1) Kill and flay the Nemean lion

2) Destroy the Lernaean hydra

3) Capture the Arcadian stag

4) Capture the boar of Erymanthus

5) Clean the stables of King Augeas

6) Kill the carnivorous birds near lake Stymphalis

7) Capture the bull that is ravaging Crete

8.) Capture the man-eating mares of Diomedes of Thrace

9) Steal the girdle of Hippolyte, Queen of the Amazon

10) Capture the carnivorous oxen of Geryon the Three-Bodied Monster

11) Take golden apples from Hesperides’ garden

12) Capture and housebreak Cerberus the Three-Headed Guard-Dog of Hades

Horoscope :)

In schmategory on May 18, 2009 at 10:40 pm

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be abducted by aliens. But hey, at least they’ll let you use their phone so you can notify your friends and loved ones on Earth, and they’ll even let you order a pizza. How sweet is that?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have an out-of-body experience. You might wanna stay home today, because it is kinda sorta embarrassing to suddenly drop dead in public.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The spirits of your deceased ancestors will be in touch with you. They demand to know why you never visit their graves anymore. Yeah they ARE kinda sorta pissed off, just so you know.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The limited warrantee on your voodoo doll has probably expired. Now would be a good time to get a new voodoo doll from your local witch-doctor.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There will be a significant change in your psychic aura. PAV-NOS (Psychic Aura Variance – Not Otherwise Specified). Viagra can sometimes help to correct this condition (or at least it’s been clinically proven to have the desired effect on laboratory rats), but you might wanna consult a legitimately qualified physician first, before you go and try anything reckless.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Pay especially close attention to your bowls of alphabet soup during this particular lunar cycle, because they really are trying to tell you something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your guardian angel is gonna call in sick today. Truth is, he just wants the day off so he can chug a few beers with the guys and hang out or whatever. Want me to go kick his ass for ya?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Feed your pet unicorn more pixie dust. That stuff is loaded with energy, very affordable, and it’s not as if it’s fattening, y’know.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Start practicing those shape-shifting abilities again, because they may come in handy during this particular lunar cycle.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Load up on crosses, garlic, and silver bullets. Be on the lookout for vampires.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Do some rain dances during this particular lunar cycle. Your garden will thank you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Y’know, it really couldn’t hurt to try putting some more eye-of-newt and tongue-of-dog in that cauldron of firey demons you’ve got brewing in your basement. Just a thought.

THE GREAT PLAGUE

In my world on April 20, 2009 at 9:07 am

Our apartment is now thoroughly infested with emoticons. Hundreds of emoticons are zooming across our floors, bouncing off the walls, tying shoelaces and USB-cables together in sailor’s knots, playfully tunneling around in the flour and sugar, bungee-jumping off the ceiling-fan with elastic-bands, and generally wreaking havoc, spreading gross germs and bad memes everywhere. An exterminator is on his way here as I type this text.

These emoticons are such devilish little monsters, they’ve even discovered that it’s fun to use our DVDs as their own personal giant Frisbees. Some of the emoticons are even entertaining the others by skillfully juggling our vitamin-supplements.

But that’s not even the worst of it: Emoticons are so resilient that vacuuming them with a vacuum-cleaner has no effect other than giving them an exciting thrill, not unlike an amusement-park ride, and then they all jump out again, scattering dust far and wide.

We did kinda sorta bring this upon ourselves, actually. Not many people know this, but emoticons generally survive by eating the undeleted e-mails that accumulate (if unchecked) in the Spam folders of e-mail accounts. Also, the undeleted applets and javascript-cookies that can accumulate (if unchecked) in the cache of any given web-browser application are very nourishing and revitalizing food for emoticons, really helping them thrive, grow, and breed vast multitudes of offspring. This is why it’s a good idea to periodically clean out all the folders in one’s e-mail account, and frequently cleanse the cache of one’s web-browser.

So a word to the wise: SAVE YOURSELVES ! ! ! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU, because you SO do NOT want a home full of emoticons, trust me.

This may offend some shopaholics

In my world on February 3, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Push a shopping-cart through the aisles of the Retail-Maze

Boxes, jars, and cans, grams and litres of wants and needs

Endless, grueling, soul-numbing task that my spouse enjoys

How I hate the grand scenic tour of competing brands

What a relief to finally haul the groceries home

Mention another “coupon” or “sale” to me, and I’ll scream

Has to be the most deathly-spiritless chore of chores

Push a shopping-cart through the aisles of the Retail-Maze

RULES FOR BEING AN IGNORAMUS

In alpha on October 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm

1. Nothing exists unless you’ve heard of it before from family/friends/teachers/place-of-worship during your pre-adult life.

2. Interrupt any spoken sentence longer than six or seven syllables.

3. Any statement that seems confusing at first must have been made by some individual who happens to be a weirdo/nutcase.

4. Any problem/difficulty that you yourself have never encountered before is an excuse/fairy-tale made up by a slacker/stubborn-crybaby/pathological-liar.

5. Anything that fails to entertain you after a long day is one-hundred-percent pure excrement that contains absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever.

6. Anyone who disagrees with your political views has cotton-candy for brains.

7. Anyone who disagrees with your religious/secular views is sick/evil.

8. Anyone who loves doing a job that pays less than yours is a laughable dorkwad.

9. Anyone who is overwhelmed by the stress of a job that pays more than yours is an enviable ingrate.

10. Anyone who has never heard of your favorite movie/book/food is a hermit/Martian.

11. Anyone who is ever in your way for even a nanosecond has never watched where he/she is going once in his/her life.

12. There are two kinds of people:

(a) human-garbage

(b) people to whom you yourself owe at least one favor

The Top 10 Things That Happened Today

In Uncategorized on September 4, 2008 at 5:21 pm

10. Electrons revolved around the nuclei of atoms.

 

9. Cells divided.

 

8. Palms and fingers turned steering wheels.

 

7. Leaves and raindrops fell.

 

6. The landlord got his money.

 

5. Legs and feet danced.

 

4. Mouths chewed and swallowed food.

 

3. Sound waves crossed distances over time.

 

2. Fish swam.

 

AND THE #1 THING THAT HAPPENED TODAY . . .

 

*

 

. . .

 

(drumroll)

 

. . .

 

*

 

1. I farted.

DID YOU KNOW?:

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Reverend Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have recently created http://www.godhatesneuroaster.wbc/

CRAP WARNING: This brain-candy may rot your NDP (Neuro-Dendritic Processing)

In alpha on January 24, 2008 at 8:06 pm

O Blogosphere, our home in cyberland

True soapbox-love, we comment and we spam

With glowing monitor-screens, we rise

On blogsites paid or free

From far and wide, O Blogosphere

We correspond through thee

Content and speech open and free

Our samizdat for all the world to see

O Blogosphere, we post our stuff on thee