Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be abducted by aliens. But hey, at least they’ll let you use their phone so you can notify your friends and loved ones on Earth, and they’ll even let you order a pizza. How sweet is that?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have an out-of-body experience. You might wanna stay home today, because it is kinda sorta embarrassing to suddenly drop dead in public.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The spirits of your deceased ancestors will be in touch with you. They demand to know why you never visit their graves anymore. Yeah they ARE kinda sorta pissed off, just so you know.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The limited warrantee on your voodoo doll has probably expired. Now would be a good time to get a new voodoo doll from your local witch-doctor.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There will be a significant change in your psychic aura. PAV-NOS (Psychic Aura Variance – Not Otherwise Specified). Viagra can sometimes help to correct this condition (or at least it’s been clinically proven to have the desired effect on laboratory rats), but you might wanna consult a legitimately qualified physician first, before you go and try anything reckless.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Pay especially close attention to your bowls of alphabet soup during this particular lunar cycle, because they really are trying to tell you something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your guardian angel is gonna call in sick today. Truth is, he just wants the day off so he can chug a few beers with the guys and hang out or whatever. Want me to go kick his ass for ya?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Feed your pet unicorn more pixie dust. That stuff is loaded with energy, very affordable, and it’s not as if it’s fattening, y’know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Start practicing those shape-shifting abilities again, because they may come in handy during this particular lunar cycle.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Load up on crosses, garlic, and silver bullets. Be on the lookout for vampires.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Do some rain dances during this particular lunar cycle. Your garden will thank you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Y’know, it really couldn’t hurt to try putting some more eye-of-newt and tongue-of-dog in that cauldron of firey demons you’ve got brewing in your basement. Just a thought.